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| Well I officially found out that Peter is quite the jerkface. When I was texting him all that stuff about how I liked him, he was with my brother and some other people and he was making jokes with my feelings. Ok...a quick little tidbit about Peter:
Everyone thinks that he's gay because of the way he does stuff, his mannerisms for example. All the gay guys that I know who have met him think that he is gay, and I think that is quite funny.
So onto what I have to say about this situation. I have come to the conclusion that Peter is really gay, but his religion keeps him from coming out of the closet, so he remains a "closet homo" as we say. So he's dating a 15 year old who is 6 hours away from him, whom he hardly ever sees. To me this means that he doesn't have to have a relationship with someone near him, so he doesn't really have to deal with the dating scene, and people will think he is straight because he has a girlfriend far away. He "used" me so that someone who knows the group of people he hangs out with will "know" that he is not gay and can stick up for him when people call him that. Is exactly what I fell for. I stuck up for him, and still do, but I really don't believe he's straight anymore. But the thing is, he told me the personal story as to why he does not like when people call him gay, so of course I'm going to do what's right and stick up for him, but that doesn't change that I really think that he is gay. So who really knows...I don't even know if he understands it yet or not.
I have another theory though...my mom and I were talking about him the other day, and she told me that the reason why he steals my hoodie is because he wants to be me. It makes a lot of sense if you know the kid, so I had to laugh really hard at that. But maybe that is the reason, maybe he's just jealous of me and wants to be me and do the things I do and wear the things I wear. Another theory could be that he just doesn't know what he wants. I highly doubt this, so don't criticize, but maybe, just maybe he likes me and is not sure what to do about it because of his girlfriend, whom he supposedly loves, yet cheated on with me.
So he's lying to the one he loves...if you love someone you don't lie to them under any circumstances! I would rather a guy who has cheated on me tell me that he cheated on me maybe a few days later. That would make me feel better because I would know that he would be completely honest with me, so I might give him another chance depending on the circumstances. It just depends, but Peter is lying to Lauren and needs to come clean with her and see if she still accepts him as the sweet, honest guy that she fell in love with.
So onto something else. My mom and I were driving today and talking about my 18th birthday and then we started crying because my mom's mom won't be here for it. She passed away in April of 2007. I miss her a lot and I wish she were still here, but there is no way to bring her back. She died of cancer that attacked her body. Cancer is a malicious thing. Anyway, it was just sad to think about. So that was the extent of the sadness today. Well I'm off to work on homework and other stuff, so I shall return tomorrow evening.
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| So I know how no one will read this so that's why I'm writing on here. No one will read it so I won't get any comments on writing about things.
To start things off, life has been a little depressing lately. I found out today that Heath Ledger, 28, died today. They aren't quite sure what he died of, but they think it is a drug overdose, but I'm not going to dwell on what killed him because I don't know. I don't want to harp on it, it's just depressing that he was so young and such an aspiring actor and all of this was just sad. I feel like at any moment life could be taken away from me that easily. It's kind of really scary.
Well life has really crapped on me lately, and the majority of it is my fault, so I guess you could say that I crapped on myself *laughs*. To start off, my last boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago, so I'm single again and am not really looking for a boy. Well my brother, Chris, is in college and he has this friend, Peter, that I like a lot. The problem is that he has a girlfriend, ironically with the same name as me, and she and him are in love. So needless to say I wasn't going to mess around with that, I didn't want to come between something like that. Well Peter likes to flirt a lot, and I flirt as well, so I knew all the flirting that has been going on between us was just harmless.
I was wrong apparently. Stuff ended up happening between us, we didn't have sex or anything, and now I really like him. I know that all of this is wrong and I'm already depressed, but this just makes me hate myself even more. To top it off I finally told him "I like you, I like you a lot, but I don't want to because of your girlfriend and it's wrong." To this he replied, "I'm sorry, I feel like an ass. I love my girlfriend and she loves me and we're not going to break up." And now I sit there just kind of dumbfounded, even though I knew that was going to happen in the first place, but it still sucks more than I could imagine.
I feel so dumb for letting it all happen and for me falling for it. Well then Peter called me drunk the other night and he was making jokes about things that happened between us and I was not in the mood to joke about it. It really hurts that he'd still joke even after what I said. It's not like I can help the way I feel. Anyway, we got off the phone and he continued to text me still joking about everything and I got pissed and just told him to forget that anything ever happened. I think that made him realize that he had been cheating on his girlfriend because I mentioned that I wanted nothing to do with his cheating on his girlfriend.
I even told him that I didn't know what brought me so low as to do that, and he told me that he doesn't know why he did it either, but he assured me that I was the only one. So atleast I don't have to feel guilty for other girls as well. But all that does is reassure me that I'm a whore. I don't really think that I'm a whore per se, it just upsets me that I would do something like that. I hate myself a lot at this point in my life and can't believe that I'd do that, but I can't take it back, so I just need to move on and use this as a lesson in life.
Now on to a different subject. Well today I had the weirdest feeling that I've never felt before. Ok before I start, I'm not a shy, intimidated, awkward person. It takes a lot to embarass me or make me nervous or shy. I will go and talk to random people all the time. So I know this kid Adam, he's in my psychology class this semester, and I've never talked to him, I just know who he is. I don't like him like him, I just think he is a cool kid. Well today was the first day of psychology and we did this paper where we had to get people to sign certain squares blah blah blah. So I had gotten everyone else in the class and then I went up to Adam. When I got to him, I couldn't look at him, I felt so weird...it's really too hard to explain it. I just felt awkward, weird, in awe, I just felt DUMB...like I didn't know what I was doing. It was so strange. That happened 3rd period and I thought about it every now and then and just thought about how I don't think that I like him or anything. I don't know...lol...It was just really strange, I'd never felt that way before, but I kind of liked it. Haha oh well, not like I want anything to happen between us. It's not like I'm going to be creepy stalker Lauren. That's just creepy. Anyway, I have a lot of homework to do, so thanks Xanga for setting up this weblog site so I can type about anything and everything. Much appreciated! ^_^
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| Dude It's been an entire year since I've been on Xanga. I love to go back through and read what I have typed before. Haha I had a lot of boy problems and nonsense. Geez...I started this when I was in 8th grade or freshman year, now I'm a senior! I'm almost out and on my way to college. Crazyness! I bet no one will even read this, but oh well. It's still fun to type about things going on in life. If anyone does read this, check out a band called Josephine Collective at http://www.myspace.com/josephinecollective. They are pretty good. They have one ep out and the full lengh CD comes out this February. I'm stoked for it! Well it's time to go for now. I have a bunch of homework to get done before I have to go to work at 6pm. Meijer...been there for a year and a half now! Since July 27th, 2006!
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| I haven't been on this thing in forever! I just got my new computer and I decided to start everything back up....exciting huh? yeah i was looking through here and thought what was wrong with me.....haha i've changed a lot since my last blog......yeah so see y'all later | | |
| So....I totally broke up with Jeff. I feel really bad, but I needed to do what was right for me. I felt like I was being tied down and I didn't like that, so I had to break up with him. I felt like he was being possessive and clingy. And I don't like dating really, I'm not into it at all really. I like being able to go out with my friends and not worry about what someone else is doing or gonna say. So yeah.....I'm really sorry though, but I don't wanna handle the pressures of dating and stuff. That's about all I really have to say right now, other than I'm over at Jenn's and then I'm going to David's tomorrow to help paint his walls. It's gonna be fun! lol. Talk to you all later. | | |
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